When Co-parenting is Impossible


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I haven’t posted a personal post in a while. There’s a reason for that because my life through no fault of my own is getting pretty ugly. I am an eternal optimist and try for the most part to keep upbeat. As some of you may know, I am going through a divorce after a twelve year marriage. The reason we split, Ex-Hole’s infidelity. Horrible right? Not so much. Through all of this (him and the mistress moving into my house, leaving me and our three kids knocking on my grandmother’s door for shelter, him and her having me arrested, him paying absolutely NO child support) I have realized I’m so much better off. I have learned to love myself, I’m in a great relationship and am just trying to keep my head above water. BUT…

I have been a stay at home mother for the past twelve years. My youngest is three. I have no transportation thanks to Ex-Hole not letting me know he canceled the insurance on the car I was using to transport our three precious children. Resulting in the car being impounded. Guess who’s name the car was in? Not mine. So I wait. I wait for our divorce to be final. I wait for child support. I wait for alimony. I wait for karma to catch up.

I am forced to depend on Ex-Hole (well really her, because he doesn’t like to wake up before 1:00pm) to drive my kids to and from school. I have been very fair with visitation, because I have always believed a child should have both parents no matter what the parents marital status. Even though all three children hate to go, because they are bored out of their mind. Being that he has refused to communicate with me i have been communicating with her. Not something I like, but something until this past week, I have done.

Two weeks ago she drops the kids off, and I notice baby girls hair is noticeably shorter. She has not had a first hair cut and her hair was to the center of her back. I immediately texted him, stating that NO ONE IS TO CUT MY DAUGHTERS HAIR. Next thing I know, my cell phone is shut off. (We still had a joint family account). She quickly emails me telling me to stop harassing my husband. And claims she cut a lollipop out of her hair. Um, ever hear of shampoo? She informed me that since I have no transportation, I will not have a ride to school for the kids if I continue to contact my husband. Ummmm blackmail anyone, insecure much?

After the kids visit this week, I was informed she hits my baby girl. I cannot discuss too much of this due to legal matters. Let’s just say the ish hit the fan. Here I am sending my baby girl each week in tears, thinking I’m putting my feelings aside and doing what’s right and this happens! I feel that I have failed my children. First by staying in an unhealthy marriage for so long. And now by letting them be in the presence of a clearly unstable whore and a father who has NO backbone whatsoever. So I emailed the both of them, letting them know how outraged I am. She responds denying the accusations which I know are true. I told her I will no longer be communicating with her regarding me and my husbands children. She tells me he has gotten a restraining order against me for harassment. I have yet to be served, because there is no restraining order, just a coward standing behind his mistress.

So my question to you, my readers, have any of you had to deal with such a thing? Again, I have taken the proper steps to ensure my children’s safety. Am I the only one living in this twilight zone of a reality? How would you handle this if you were in my shoes?

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rhiannon Rowland
    Jan 24, 2013 @ 02:13:15

    Hi Lorrie! First of all I want to say How sorry I am that you are going through all of that. I have been married for almost 16 years now, so have no experience of divorce through the wife/husband perspective. But, I do have that experience (in multiple ways) through being the child of divorced parents, the child of a divorced father whose wife was having multiple affairs (and come to find out my half brother and sister were not my brother and sister at all but products of affairs) and being the wife of a divorced man with a child.
    From my husbands and my father’s perspectives I will tell you…to make sure and get the BEST lawyer you can. My husband ended up paying alimony and child support beyond what he ever should have and his ex kept his daughter from him. She lied to the daughter for years about my husband. To this day they still don’t have much of a relationship, but the daughter does know how much her mom ruined things and how she lied and lied for years. She now hates her mother and will have nothing to do with her. In my Dad’s marriage to my former stepmother, he ended up not being able to have anything to do with my brother and sister, even though they are not his children biologically, he was there the day they were born and to him they are still his children.
    As much as it probably hurts to have to deal with the other woman, if that is the only line of communication you may have to rely on it. My husband and his ex-wife did not get along at all and I was the line of communication. I had to learn to read between the lines of her lies and relay the correct info to my husband. I got along pretty well with her overall. But of course, I was not a husband stealer either.
    As the child of divorced parents…I just want to say, keep what ever you think about your ex (and his girlfriend) to yourself. To this day I still cringe thinking about all the nasty things my dad would say about my mom in front of me when I was a small child. And his ex wife was pretty nasty about my mom too. I remember it all, I also remember my mother not saying a word. (Now as an adult she has told me how she felt through different things and has told me about things that happened and I can tell you I was astonished that she was able to keep it all to herself for so long). I have so much more respect for my mother than I ever will for my dad.
    I hope things get settled for you soon. Hopefully you will get to court and be able to take care of your children financially. He should want for you to be able to take your kids to school and where ever they need to go. Its amazing how in the middle of divorce the kids are sometimes forgotten about, in the instance of their safety, heath and well being. I mean, what would happen if you needed to take your child to the emergency room, no car insurance, he is not thinking about that. She should not have cut your daughter’s hair, I will agree with you on that! My stepmom used to perm my hair and cut it real short…it pissed my mom off to no end. And I would come home and cry hating my hair.
    I have been a stay at home mom for 16 years now, and even though my marriage is great I sometimes worry about if something were to happen, what will I do. I have not worked a day since I was 19. I have only a high school education. And everything is in my husband’s name. So I have thought about the situation you are in.
    Keeping you in my thoughts! (((Hugs)))

    —Sorry so long winded! 🙂

    Reply

    • Tattoomommie
      Jan 24, 2013 @ 02:30:35

      Thank you Rhiannon. I know exactly what you mean, my mother constantly bashed my father in front of me and I hated it. I have tried so very hard to remain civil. My boys are 11 and 9 and are mamas boys so they have their own opinion of things. I always tell them daddy loves them and that they have to respect her. I truly have moved on and want nothing to do with this man who I do not know anymore. I just don’t understand where all the animosity towards me comes from. I feel like I’m continually giving him the chance to do the right thing by his kids and he just won’t. That’s what hurts me. I actually didn’t mind communicating with her until these past instances. I figure he’s her problem now, good luck with that. But I cannot let her walk over me and my child it seems she is quite a control freak. And she is only a third party. Thanks for your advice, I will remember it!

      Reply

  2. Paula Kaye
    Jan 25, 2013 @ 03:45:33

    Document, document, document. And try to be as positive as possible. I would refuse to discuss anything with the mistress and if he refused to discuss the children with me, then he wouldn’t get any facts at all. But document everytime you try to communicate and keep all communication from him (or her for that matter) And for goodness sake find another person to help you out with transportation and maybe a friend will loan you a phone. Then when you get on your feet you can smile and hold your head up high. The one thing I did was to never, ever (no matter how many times I wanted to) bad-mouth him in front of the kids. They will figure it out in due time. Mine did! We divorced when they were 3 and 7. They are now 40 and 36 and have NO relationship with their dad. Hmmmm…wonder whose fault that is. Good luck to you!

    Reply

    • Tattoomommie
      Jan 25, 2013 @ 11:26:02

      Thank you Paula. I am lucky to have an awesome support network, my grandmother and some wonderful friends. I contacted legal aid and they pretty much told me the same thing as you. So that’s the plan. I will not be bullied. I know this too shall pass. I promise not to bad mouth in front of the kids. I am dusting off my OLD resume and submitting to local businesses. I do qualify for a childcare program for my youngest, so here’s to starting over!

      Reply

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